Tag Archives: TSA

Airlines to begin charging passengers for oxygen

What’s amazing about the title of this post is that I had to actually spend a minute thinking about what would be ludicrous for an airline to charge for. Ironically, everything from your checked baggage to in-flight movies to freaking peanuts is already not free.

Yes, peanuts. This one upsets my soul. First of all, any company that cannot afford to give people free peanuts should probably not be authorized to maintain a fleet of aircraft. Secondly, you will usually have to pay some insane fee like $5 for peanuts on an airplane. Peanuts are supposed to cost peanuts. It’s an expression for a reason.

Once upon a time, I used to actually look forward to flying. It was alluring, filled with the romantic excitement of being thousands of feet above the ground. Back then, everything was complimentary. You would get free snacks, free meals, free headphones, free drinks, free checked bags, and more. Once you stepped into an airplane you were given a level of comfort that you simply didn’t get anywhere else.

Nowadays, flying is an experience everyone dreads. And it’s not just the airplanes. Airports have now become like the entry gates to jail. You get stripped, scanned, interrogated, and humiliated, and even if you somehow get through all that, you’re headed straight into a crowded hell-hole where you will have absolutely no privacy, a bathroom the size of your nightstand, and meal selections which consist of various cardboard-based cuisines.

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The TSA is the warden of that jail. They love making up all kinds of dumbasstacular rules to compensate for the fact that they have yet to actually stop anyone who posed a real threat to a flight. Even when that Nigerian stuck some Pop Rocks in his pants and triggered an “explosion”, it was the handiwork of nearby passengers, not the TSA, that stopped him. The TSA has since banned passengers from carrying this new, deadly weapon.

The latest decree from TSA included restrictions which prevents passengers from using the in-flight entertainment system (at all), having items on their lap, or using the bathroom in the final hour of the flight. Also, things like Wi-Fi will no longer be allowed at any time.

PRO TIP: When carrying passengers on flights which may last many hours, it is generally not a good idea to place them under conditions that actually promote suicidal tendencies in normal passengers. In addition, if there ever is a hijacker on the plane, this genius set of rules will ensure that they are bored, hungry, groggy, agitated, dying to pee, and eagerly anticipating the opportunity to karate kick every single thing in sight just so that they stretch their freaking legs out.

I think the biggest indicator of reaching sub-neanderthal levels of intelligence is when even FOX news is making fun of you. Speaking of retarded, Sarah Palin finally admitted that she is, in fact, mentally challenged and checked into a facility where she will be surrounded by her kind. But wait, it gets better. She recently made an appearance on Leno (insert scathing anti-Leno pro-Coco remark here). While on the show, she stated her reason for joining:

“I think that the mainstream media is quite broken and I think that there needs to be the fairness, the balance in there. That’s why I joined Fox.”

Two words: Irony Explosion.

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